So drained right now after a 2 hour gym workout. I was ready to leave after 1 hour but I then ran into my best friend from work, Callie, and her boyfriend, and we ended up all training some together.
At work today when I went up to Jacob to ask him for something, as he was looking it up on his computer, I looked at his arm and said “nice watch”. He replied, “oh thanks! It was a gift from my wife.” It was a pretty expensive Hugo Boss watch, so I said “oh cool! she’s nice!” with a playful laugh and he said, “Yes, she’s the best”. I replied with some banter and we both had a laugh. I don’t think he suspects that I’m attracted to him. Although, I’ve been told that when I’m interacting with someone I really like, my eyes have a certain glow, so I hope they won’t give it away.
I’m smitten with this guy’s personality; he has such a certain charme, good sense of humour and just how he carries himself… with this confidence. I feel like I want to know more about him and maybe even become friends outside of work. Yes, just friends… No matter how much I may feel things for someone else, I don’t really think that I have it in me to cheat on my boyfriend. As in, I could never have sex with someone behind his back and then not think about that every time I look at him, guilt ridden. Also, I have this weird need to just protect him… protect his heart. Yeah, I’m very protective of him you could say. Not in a possessive way though. Right now he’s having dinner with his colleagues and I’m home alone, and haven’t heard from him in hours. That’s OK and I hope he’s having fun.
It’s weird how my boyfriend means the world to me, he’s my absolute everything; and I still feel like I could kiss somebody else that I’m attracted to, and not love my boyfriend any less. I don’t think I am the type that would want an open relationship, like I’m not polygamous at all – way too jealous for that shit. I also think that being in an open relationship would make the bond you have with your partner less sacred somehow. Just my personal thoughts on that. However, during the years we’ve been together now, there have been about three men that I have wanted to kiss (but didn’t, of course) and whom I had feelings for (Jacob being the third, although I wouldn’t call my crush on him “feelings” as of yet, but I kind of have a hunch that that’s where it’s headed).
It does make me wonder if I’m even made for a committed, 100% monogamous relationship. Am I even able to stay absolutely faithful? I haven’t been faithful to previous boyfriends, but in my defense, I was very young in my previous relationships. My boyfriend is my longest, most serious relationship, and the thought of being close or intimate with someone else is strange to me, like so surreal. But I certainly have craved that at times.
Or does it mean that I have doubts about my relationship?
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always been sure. Just two months ago I went through a rough patch mentally; I felt like I wasn’t happy with some aspects of our relationship. One being a certain lack of emotional intimacy; I’m a very deep, complex person and do need meaningful, in depth conversation sometimes. And for him to verbally express himself more, like what he thinks or feels and such. It’s pretty difficult to explain. The other thing might be physical intimacy. He finds me attractive I know that, but I do feel like if I didn’t initiate sex as often as I do (1-2 times per week), we would definitely have less sex. I know that just has to do with his libido not being very high, but it does bother me at times.
LoveLife Chronicles 