Ugh, work has been so stressful lately. There have been lots of changes at our department and the first week or two of it were fine, but the entire last week at the end of each day I was just beyond drained. At the moment, so many things are organized poorly and people aren’t happy. It doesn’t help that I’m one of the only ones working in the language that I speak (we’re a very international company) and so the workload for the market I work in has been exhausting to say the least.

A lot of the time I do wish that I happened to run into an enourmous amount of fortune, like winning the lottery, so that I could start living the life I wish for instead of being stuck in an office environment all day. I’ve always been the free-spirited, adventureous kind and I remember saying as a child, “I dont know what I’m going to do when I grow up, but I know that I NEVER want to work in an office!” and funnily enough, that is exactly what I ended up doing. It’s not even that I hate working; I really dont, I even like the routine and structure of going somewhere everyday. I just wish it wouldn’t take up THIS much of our lives… how amazing it would be if instead of 8 hours, we’d only work 6 hours every day. Two hours less would make such a difference.

Anyways, I am currently home alone, sick with the flu, and it’s raining outside. I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks and it’s interesting how my feelings regarding certain things and people have shifted. The biggest shift being my best friend at work, Callie.

We’ve been close for over a year now and have had a very drama-free, comfortable, and goofy friendship. We always have tons of fun together and laugh plenty, and talk about pretty much anything. Although she’s an attractive girl with a nice body, I’ve never once thought anything sexual of her, despite her and I regularly talking about very intimate details such as our sex lives, going into the specifics of what we did with our boyfriends the previous night, sharing sexy pictures of ourselves with eachother (she even showed me a sex video of her and her boyfriend… for just a few seconds though), and all that good stuff… I never once even went there in my mind. I don’t identify myself as bi-sexual, in the sense that I could never ever have romantic feelings for another woman, but I do definitely get turned on by other women and did sexual stuff with another girl as a teenager.

Well, something changed in the last few weeks. More specifically, some of my fantasies do involve her too now, and I probably would want to do stuff if I were to spend the night at her house for example.

For some reason this only started during a conversation at work. We were talking about sex (as so often) and I told her in response to something she said, “honey, the only scenario in which I would have sex with you is if we were both stuck in a room together and the only way we were able to get out of the room is if we had sex!” (Which I totally meant at the time because I didn’t think that way about her). And she totally didn’t believe me and said, “ohh, don’t lie. So you’re saying that if we spent the night in the same bed together and I were to say like ‘Hey, wanna have a little fun?’ you would say no?”. I had to laugh because of the way she said it, but it got me thinking and in my head I realized that I probably would NOT say no.

Ever since then there’s been kind of a sexual energy at work, not necessarily just between her and me but also a new guy that started working here recently. He’s attractive and all (good body, tall, nice face, of Spanish heritage) but I dont have a crush or anything on him; unlike Callie, who’s madly lusting over him and even admitted that she’s been fantasizing about him a lot recently. At one point during one of our breaks, we started talking about threeways and I asked her how amazing it would be for her to have a 3some with the new guy and her boyfriend; she agreed but then said, “wait, how amazing would it be to have one with the new guy, my bf, and YOU?!”. And she was being totally serious, too. And I’ll admit that that scenario has been on my mind quite a lot recently.

At the same time, I’ve been feeling like I want more time away from my boyfriend. I don’t think I want to break up or anything at all, but there’s just been this shift. Like I’ve been less dependent on him and wanting to do more things on my own. I’ll admit the past two and a half years with him, we rarely spent a day apart (probably about 4 days in total), and most of the parties and socializing we’ve done together. Maybe I’ve come to a point where I long for a little more independency and being my own person outside of him.

 

I have a hunch, just a slight little silly hunch, that my boyfriend could maybe, possibly, propose to me on christmas. Now I could totally be way off base, but there have been a few things that have lead me to believe it could be true. such as;

• we were standing in the supermarket queue and he was in a crabby mood with me. to lighten him up, I told him, “If you knew what I′m giving you for christmas, you′d be in a totally different mood now.” (I′ve bought an expensive watch for him, along with some other stuff). He raised his eyebrows and said, “If YOU knew what I have for you…”, with a tone of voice that indicated that no matter what my gift is, his gift for me is a lot better. I got curious and asked, “What do you mean?!”, to which he replied, “I′ve been saving up for it for a while…”
• for my birthday which was recently, he got me a tripod (I′m into photography and videography; I edit and produce short videos etc.). Later that night when I said, “I wonder where I′m gonna use my tripod for the first time”, he suggested that I could use it during christmas eve when we′re with this family, opening presents and such, and make a timelapse of it. The reason this got me thinking, is the fact that when talking about engagement in the past, I′ve mentioned that I wanted him to record it/get it on camera so we can look back on it in the future
• a few months ago my best friend, Callie, told me to tell my boyfriend that when he plans to propose, he should message her and she would be able to give advice on which kind of ring I would like. Now – We were out together on Saturday night, and I told her that my boyfriend said to me that he′s been saving up for my gift  for a while. She responded, “maybe it′s a trip! That would be so awesome if it′s a trip.” I might be way off but I just can′t help but wonder why her mind didn′t go to a proposal (unless of course she knows that he′s going to propose?). I feel like that′s what she would have normally replied to me when saying my boyfriend has been saving up for his gift to me for a while.
• he′s been seeming super happy lately (like a hyper kind of happy), and when asking him why he′s being so giddy and happy, he would respond “no reason!”
• he′s told me several times that I′m gonna love my gift, and he′ll make sure to emphasize that I′ll *love* it

I′ll admit; I′d be extremely happy to be engaged. Just moving to a next stage in our relationship and being able to call him my fiancé. Having turned 27 years of age recently, I do feel like I want to move to a more serious place and start making plans to get married, buy a house, and have a couple of babies. No matter how much I may be crushing on other men in my life, there is no way I′d let any of these feelings get in the way of building a life with Liam (my boyfriend). There′s no way I would want to start afresh all over again with another person. Nevermind the fact that I feel like it would be too late to meet someone else at this point, seeing as my maternal instincts have kicked in hardcore over the recent years and my yearning to become a mother is unbearable at times. Seriously, baby fever is real.

Let′s see if I′m wrong about him wanting to propose on christmas. I told myself it′s just a silly hunch and that I shouldn′t have my hopes up, but I think it′s too late for that and I′ll be disappointed if it doesn′t happen.

This morning at work, Jacob sat with me at my desk to have a ′coaching′, which was actually a little get to know eachother conversation. He asked me a load of questions about how I like this job, how I got here, what I did before moving to this city, where I traveled (as I told him I′d been traveling the world a few years ago). I also learned a little about him, where he was born, where he grew up, and such. It was nice and we laughed some. He′s got such a lovely, funny personality and I just know and feel we′d have been a good match if we had met at another point in our lives (when we were both not in relationships with others). We both finished work at 4PM and we took the elevator together, and we chitchatted some as we walked towards the train station.

So drained right now after a 2 hour gym workout. I was ready to leave after 1 hour but I then ran into my best friend from work, Callie, and her boyfriend, and we ended up all training some together.

At work today when I went up to Jacob to ask him for something, as he was looking it up on his computer, I looked at his arm and said “nice watch”. He replied, “oh thanks! It was a gift from my wife.” It was a pretty expensive Hugo Boss watch, so I said “oh cool! she’s nice!” with a playful laugh and he said, “Yes, she’s the best”. I replied with some banter and we both had a laugh. I don’t think he suspects that I’m attracted to him. Although, I’ve been told that when I’m interacting with someone I really like, my eyes have a certain glow, so I hope they won’t give it away.

I’m smitten with this guy’s personality; he has such a certain charme, good sense of humour and just how he carries himself… with this confidence. I feel like I want to know more about him and maybe even become friends outside of work. Yes, just friends… No matter how much I may feel things for someone else, I don’t really think that I have it in me to cheat on my boyfriend. As in, I could never have sex with someone behind his back and then not think about that every time I look at him, guilt ridden. Also, I have this weird need to just protect him… protect his heart. Yeah, I’m very protective of him you could say. Not in a possessive way though. Right now he’s having dinner with his colleagues and I’m home alone, and haven’t heard from him in hours. That’s OK and I hope he’s having fun.

It’s weird how my boyfriend means the world to me, he’s my absolute everything; and I still feel like I could kiss somebody else that I’m attracted to, and not love my boyfriend any less. I don’t think I am the type that would want an open relationship, like I’m not polygamous at all – way too jealous for that shit. I also think that being in an open relationship would make the bond you have with your partner less sacred somehow. Just my personal thoughts on that. However, during the years we’ve been together now, there have been about three men that I have wanted to kiss (but didn’t, of course) and whom I had feelings for (Jacob being the third, although I wouldn’t call my crush on him “feelings” as of yet, but I kind of have a hunch that that’s where it’s headed).

It does make me wonder if I’m even made for a committed, 100% monogamous relationship. Am I even able to stay absolutely faithful? I haven’t been faithful to previous boyfriends, but in my defense, I was very young in my previous relationships. My boyfriend is my longest, most serious relationship, and the thought of being close or intimate with someone else is strange to me, like so surreal. But I certainly have craved that at times.

Or does it mean that I have doubts about my relationship?
I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t always been sure. Just two months ago I went through a rough patch mentally; I felt like I wasn’t happy with some aspects of our relationship. One being a certain lack of emotional intimacy; I’m a very deep, complex person and do need meaningful, in depth conversation sometimes. And for him to verbally express himself more, like what he thinks or feels and such. It’s pretty difficult to explain. The other thing might be physical intimacy. He finds me attractive I know that, but I do feel like if I didn’t initiate sex as often as I do (1-2 times per week), we would definitely have less sex. I know that just has to do with his libido not being very high, but it does bother me at times.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy in my relationship – for the most part – I’ve been in it for the past 2 and a half years and don’t have much to complain. He’s the sweetest guy and treats me well, and faithful as can be. I am insecure in relationships and tend to be jealous easily, so the fact that my boyfriend gives me absolutely nothing – NOTHING – to worry about (doesn’t even watch porn, never texts other girls ever, doesn’t go out and party) is a true saving grace. I want to have children in the next few years and am certain that he will be a wonderful daddy to our kiddos.

Nonetheless I won’t lie and say that I have never felt anything for anyone else.

There’s Ian, a colleague I had hit it off with when I first started working where I work. He taught me pretty much everything at work, and we became friends, always hanging out at work during the breaks with a couple of other teammates. I felt something at first because he used to make me laugh so much, and I loved being around him. The more I got to know him though, my feelings died down a little, because I began to see traits I wasn’t a fan of and, well, I’ve been in a relationship all along after all. The feelings did spark back up a couple times over the course of us working together (1 and a half years at this point). Besides, we haven’t been friends for 9 months now. Why? Can’t say for sure what happened, but he stopped talking to me (and removed me from social media) after I said something that appearently hurt his feelings (a joke about him). I’m sure there’s more to it, but we never talked about it because he has absolutely refused to be on talking terms with me since then (even though I’ve apologized several times). He has since become one of my supervisors, recently, and only talk when I have a work related question. That’s the gist of the whole situation with Ian, though I’m sure he will come up in my future posts.

My job recently hired an additional supervisor for our team recently, Jacob. About 3 weeks ago. I thought nothing of him at first. I was on a 2 week vacation recently and when I returned I still thought nothing of him. We interacted a couple of times and I thought he was a delight, with a fantastic personality. Dark hair and a full beard, not my usual type but definitely pretty cute. It’s weird how a switch can go off in my brain seemingly over night and I suddenly have a crush on this person. Literally I left work one afternoon a few days ago, and for some reason did not stop thinking about Jacob. I knew right then where this was headed. Yup, full on crush. I heard someone say he’s married, and he does wear a ring. We have had nothing but entirely normal interactions, no flirting or anything of the sort (I dont even know if he finds me attractive in that way). In fact, today I thought he surely must be annoyed with me because I’ve questioned him several times about the fact that one of my colleagues isn’t doing his job (avoids being on the phone with our customers – we’ve just recently implemented phone service in our job) and how he (Jacob) lets it happen/ doesn’t say anything about it, meaning others on our team suffer because of the colleague’s laziness.

At the end of today’s shift though, we were in the elevator together and made some smalltalk, and he didn’t seem annoyed with me at all.

I’m Eleyna.

I decided to start this blog so I can have a space where I can kind of keep an anonymous diary about my insignificant little life, and the dramas that come with it. Also, I love to write.

I’ll be nothing but honest in here. About my thoughts, feelings and the everyday happenings. If you are fainthearted, this may not be the place for you. You will judge me and not like what you read. That’s OK. That’s why this is anonymous!

Let’s get on with it!